Trump’s High School Revokes GED

“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”

Trump: “We All Know I Would Never Kiss a Black Woman”

“This isn’t about racism,” Trump stated. “It’s about my tiny dick.”

President Trump Announces Massive 4th of July Celebration for Liberals

“HOLD THE DATE! We will be having one of the largest gatherings in the history of Washington State,” Trump wrote. “There will be a rainbow of fireworks, the best drag queens – only the best – and the first ever reading of the US Constitution by your favorite President, me!”

Mitch McConnell Admits to Being 1/8th Turtle

“In common public opinion, turtles are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”

Patriots Owner Caught in Massive Cheese-Fetish Pornography Ring

“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.”

Down-to-Earth Elizabeth Warren Hits Rick and Morty Bong on Instagram Livestream

The Senator began the livestream by saying “Hold on a sec, I’m going to go grab my bong,” before exiting the shot and flipping on ‘Kaya’ by Bob Marley.

Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine

“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.

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