Trump Says He Wonders What Babies Taste Like at Wisconsin Rally

“Wrap the baby beautifully in a flour tortilla and toss it in the oven,” Trump stated while wiping saliva from his chin. “If you do all of that, then maybe I take a little bite. A nibble. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Elizabeth Warren Says She’ll Divorce Her Husband and Marry a Woman to Win the Presidency

Elizabeth Warren announced today at a campaign rally that she is “ready and willing” to divorce her husband of 39 years and marry her “lifelong best friend Barb.”

Washington Redskins Justify Keeping Name in 2019 by Drafting a Native American in the First Round

“The Washington Redskins select any Native American. That’s right. Any. Just send anyone, but preferably someone athletic or okay with doing commercials.”

Tucker Carlson Forgets to Remove Klan Robe, Walks On to Set of Fox & Friends

“None of them seemed phased by Carlson. It was like the [expletive] Twilight Zone.”

Tostitos Releases Extreme Mild Salsa For White People

Tostitos describes their new Extreme Mild Clear Salsa for White People® as being a thick, gelatinous substance for those with genetic spice sensitivities.

Kanye West Was Selling Damaged Condoms at Coachella for $125

“Someone from that festival will be having an unwanted child that babbles bullshit for years; so when that happens, I highly recommend they name it Kanye.”

Tim Cook Swallows an Entire iPhone XS Max to Prove It’s Environmentally Friendly

“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max.

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