Plastic Bags Banned in Lexington, Kentucky


“We need to seriously reduce the amount of plastic-related deaths in Lexington,” Connor said.

The Lexington ban will leave ‘breathable’ paper bags as the only option for local residents. Restrictions on bags include all sizes of plastic trash/garbage bags, clear Ziplock bags, slider grip bags, and, – at Connors request – laboratory mini-grip re-sealing bags and specimen transportation bags.

Monsanto to Create Talking Food That Will Curb Loneliness, Overeating


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Somewhat Popular Pornography Genre Takes A Dive in Revenue


A recent in-depth study by the American Pornography Society (APS) reveals that the massive ongoing sex scandals in the Catholic Church have considerably hurt the “religious pervert on preteen” genre of the multi-billion dollar adult industry. Steve Owens, the head of Research and Development at APS tearfully released the shocking information late Friday night. “It’s just saddening. Saddening and disgusting,” Owens said, “To think that such a great genre of adult entertainment could be ransacked by such an evil group of unabashedly sick men.” Owens continued by stating the major differences between the boy rape of the Catholic Church and the “religious pervert on preteen” sex in the industry. “In porn, all of the sex is consensual, and none of the boys are under the age of eighteen,” he clarified, “However; in the Catholic Church, none of the sex was with boys of consenting age, lives were ruined, and 99% of the priests have never been criminally punished.” The head of APS PR also described the methods used by the Pope and his “minions” to cover up the atrocities. “Essentially, they played hide the rapist priest: here’s a rapist, find the rapist, where’s the raping priest? Round and round diocese to diocese he goes, who get’s raped? Nobody knows! Except the poor kids.” Now, according to APS statistical data (which was compiled in several double-blind studies), most people who used to enjoy this type of pornography now have no interest whatsoever. Stan Billings from Birmingham, AL described his new aversion to his former favorite porn. “I used to think of it as fantasy, pure fiction. I knew it wasn’t really illegal and that nobody was being hurt. That’s why I was okay with it. But now, the images just make me want to vomit and go on a church burning spree.” The APA reports that the genre went from making up 9% of the industry ($200,000,000) down to .03% ($79,000). It is believed that the remaining revenue is mostly coming from church leaders. “Also,” said Owens, “That number would be much higher if so many priests weren’t still getting the ‘real’ thing.” It is reported that this industry will try to rebound by releasing a $50 DVD/Blue Ray entitled “Priests Gone Wild!” Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like my Facebook Page to get the latest.

Local Man Shocked to Find Out That Pedometers Had Nothing to do With Touching Children


Handsman had thought that pedometers, which are tiny instruments used to record the distance traveled or number of steps taken in a given period of time, were actually tools used to detect something about pedophiles.

Cambridge University Study Unveils That “Everyone is Correct”

For years now you always thought your opinions and worldview were accurate, but now you can say, without a doubt, you are scientifically proven to always be in the right.

BP Won’t Stop Oil Leak, Enjoying Attention


British Petroleum(BP), announced today that it could have stopped the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico almost immediately, but they chose not to.

Michael Stedmier, head of BP public relations, released a statement today saying that, “Basically, none of this ever had to happen.”

New iPhone Application Encourages Users to Drive Drunk


“You are swerving,” the program warns, ” try closing one eye.”

Additionally, there are several celebrity voice options to choose from, such as: Mel Gibson, Betty White, and Lindsey Lohan, to name a few.

While driving, your phone will tell you how many miles you have left to your destination, all the while, reciting

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