Scott Walker Begins Sobering Up to Qualify for Unemployment Assistance


Scott Walker will now have to flush his system of illegal substances in order to qualify for unemployment assistance.


Nervous Voters Voice Concern Over Correct Ballot Answer Always Being (D)


“I almost gave up and started drawing patterns in the bubbles, but then I remembered I was voting.”

Subaru Openly Markets Car Finish for Lesbians


Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians.

CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump


None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.

Gigantic Gold-Plated Package Left on White House Lawn


The package was a 6 foot tall, gold-plated cube that weighed nearly 3.5 tons. 

Trail of Korean Water Ghosts is Closing in on America


“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.”

NRA Billboards Encourage Mass Shooters to Become Event Planners Instead

The NRA is utilizing “balloon art guns” and the hashtag #LiterallyDead as part of their marketing.

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