Failing Papa John’s Hires Shaquille O’Neal to Eat Most of Their Pizzas

“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.”

Trump Marries Kellyanne Conway, Calls Her Ex-Husband a [Expletive]-Faced Monkey-[Expletive]

“This is Trump’s 4th fake marriage, but the first one that makes sense.”

Starbucks is Offering FREE Tattoos This Weekend

“Anyone who purchases a drink can get a free tattoo from our baristas this weekend.”

Meet the Worst Backseat Driver Ever: A Man Who Only Speaks in Idioms

“I’m going to open his door and push him into oncoming traffic tomorrow. [Expletive] this guy.”

Green Chicago River Full of Vomit by 10 AM

“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker

Breaking: Extremism Ban Passes US House & Senate

“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi

Trump Eats 17 McDonald’s Apple Pies for Pi Day

“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders

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