Nervous Voters Voice Concern Over Correct Ballot Answer Always Being (D)

“I almost gave up and started drawing patterns in the bubbles, but then I remembered I was voting.”

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Subaru Openly Markets Car Finish for Lesbians

Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians.

CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump

None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.

Gigantic Gold-Plated Package Left on White House Lawn

The package was a 6 foot tall, gold-plated cube that weighed nearly 3.5 tons. 

Trail of Korean Water Ghosts is Closing in on America

“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.”

NRA Billboards Encourage Mass Shooters to Become Event Planners Instead

The NRA is utilizing “balloon art guns” and the hashtag #LiterallyDead as part of their marketing.

Bewildered Hurricane Responders Begin Arduous Task of ‘Moving Everything 10 Feet to the Right’

“Honestly, I think we’re just going to move every piece of debris 10 feet to the right and see if that helps,” Long stated.

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