“Eggland’s Best apologizes if we’ve torn apart any families because of our gay eggs.”
U.S. News
Johnson & Johnson Releases New ‘Extra Tears’ Baby Shampoo
Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.”
Bill Gates Stars as Catwoman in Highly-Anticipated Film
“Gates oozes with a sultry sex appeal that culminates in a passionate, 12-minute lovemaking scene with the masked hero Batman who is played by Apple CEO Tim Cook.”
Glenn Beck Converts to Islam, Burns Down Notre Dame Cathedral
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.”
Trump Opens Marketing Company Called ‘Trump Consultation by Trump’
“Watch for the return of Toys “R” Trump, chains of Trumpback Steakhouse, Trumpley-Donaldson motorcycles and Old Trumpy Buffet.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Eric Trump is Currently Locked in a Room That’s Being Pumped Full of Pollution
Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.
Weird Tech: Watch the Life Story of Animals as You Eat Them
“Unless Redbox starts squeezing out moist, two-year-old prosciutto with every DVD, I have no idea how they’re going to compete with this.”