Obama backtracks on promise to spare the lives of innocent turkeys named Tater and Tot – ruining a longstanding American tradition.
“Obviously black people love sports, and that’s why their babies are born during the basketball season, and football, and for those Kenyan blacks – the spring track season,” said Palin.
“Hopefully you are aware of the widespread gun ban suggestions that threaten the United States and your right to arm yourself. Remember: Just because…”
Texas Governor Gregg Abbott (R-Texas), like many other state leaders, has sent a letter to President Obama stating that he will not allow any refugees into his state in light of the recent, tragic attacks in Paris, France. The decision was understandably made because of Abbott’s wanting to maintain the current, logical gun control laws in his state. “Can you imagine,” began Abbott, “if we had refugees coming into our great state whom we know little-to-nothing about, yet also have this remarkable ease of access to guns. That’s like… like an instant 72 virgins scenario!” Indeed, similar sentiments rang out in many other states which no longer wanted to be toe-in-line with President Obama’s welcoming message to these refugees. Abbott continued, “Can you ALSO imagine if we had to actually start checking the backgrounds of people who wanted to buy powerful guns – checking things like their mental health records – and implementing a waiting period to boot!? Well that would be just ludicrous,” shouted Abbott. Abbott calmed down a bit – wiped sweat from his brow – and then stated, “Overall, the background checks for entry to the country that we already have in place now make complete sense, but I don’t want potential terrorists to get in here disguised as refugees who have waited months and months to get in,” Abbot then paused briefly to finish his Busch Lite. “Further, in regard to immigration in general, I agree with Donald Trump. The solution is a giant wall, on all of our borders… and maybe make a really tall one in New York City to block views of the Statue of Liberty. Or perhaps just tip her over to make her part of a wall!” Abbot shouted with the grin of an of inspired genius on his face. “And look,” Abbot concluded, “I’m not saying all of these people are bad… It’s just that I value the ease of access to guns over humanitarianism. It’s wrong to make Texans have to pass a background check and then have a waiting period – you know, pointless things that could prevent mass shootings in our country.” Check out more stories below – or like our facebook page.