“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.”
“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren
“If friendship and odors don’t matter to you, then you could really get in great shape.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max.
“Eggland’s Best apologizes if we’ve torn apart any families because of our gay eggs.”
Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.”