The voting app used for last night’s Iowa Caucus crashed multiple times after thousands of Russian hackers attempted to log in to vote at the same time. Now, Russian president Vladimir Putin is crying foul – calling the results “tainted” and “a hoax.” “Perceived democracy is something to be valued as a social tool to control the masses,” Putin confirmed. “Last night destroyed my confidence that America will ever be a truly viable democracy for Russia to manipulate.” Meanwhile, two large protests have broken out in Moscow and St. Petersburg over Russia’s inability to participate in last night’s Iowa Caucus.
President Trump announced today that he will be reinstating “Don’t ask, don’t tell” (DADT), which was the official United States policy on military service by gays, bisexuals, and lesbians up until 2011. President Trump says the law will bar openly gay people like Pete Buttigieg from being Commander in Chief of the US military. “It doesn’t matter what role you are in the military,” Trump stated. “private, corporal, top, bottom, sergeant, twink, or bear; if you’re out, you’re out! That means you Mayor Pete!”
During her closing statement at the Iowa Democratic Debate – and without warning – Senator Amy Klobuchar evolved into Klobucharizard; sprouting an additional head on her right shoulder all while shaking violently on stage.
Pete Buttigieg just confirmed multiple reports regarding a 2019 meeting between himself and Bernie Sanders in which they disagreed on whether a bottom could win the 2020 presidential election. “Among the topics that came up was could a bottom win the presidency. I thought a bottom could win; he disagreed,” Buttigieg said in a statement. Meanwhile Sander’s denied the comment in a press release, stating “I’ve always said that it took strength and endurance to be a bottom. I have nothing but respect for bottoms. Besides, Al Gore already won the popular vote back in 2000; so of course a bottom could win.”
A new Des Moines Register/CNN/Mediacom Iowa Poll shows that 54% of likely male voters would be open to sleeping with Pete Buttigieg. What do you think? “If the timing were right, and I didn’t have these pesky kids, I’d give that boy a good ol’ roll in the hay. Definitely dress him up in overalls and a straw hat first…mmmmmhhmmmm.” – Tom Storms, Wheat Farmer “You know when you first see someone and you just need to sit on their face? I’ve been dealing with that since Pete announced. So, uhhh yeah. Sign me up!” – Daniel Vasquez, Volunteer Lifeguard “I’d like a shot with him. I’ve got $10k in sex toys that says he won’t care who’s doing what to where.” – Charline Tomlinson, Kindergarten Teacher “No judgement, but no thanks. It’s not for me. Now I can certainly keep watch from the closet while Pete and someone else go at it. You know, just to make sure my little Petey is safe.” – Howard Rothstein, Boy Scout Troop Leader “The Iowa caucus process is itself an invitation to keep an open mind, but who the fuck wrote this polling question?” – Pete Buttigieg, Sex Icon & Presidential Candidate Photo credit Republic Country Club
Donald Trump announced today that he plans to run for President of Iran in the country’s 2021 election if current leader Hassan Rouhani doesn’t stop his attacks on US bases in Iraq. “I’m going to be the first man to have a dual-presidency,” Trump confirmed. “Can you believe it? They say it’s unprecedented folks. Unprecedented.” When asked how he plans to win over a 90% Muslim country, Trump said his treatment of women and dislike of transgendered people would form a solid foundation to work from.
Several presidential candidates have been funneling donations into private health savings accounts in order to pay for their personal healthcare and medical bills as they inch closer and closer to death each day. Donald Trump, age 73, lead in fundraising last quarter. The president raked in $46 million; some of which will be used to keep excess skin pulled back from his face and stapled to the back of his scalp. The White House says Trump is also setting money aside to pay for an imminent quadruple bypass. Here’s how much money other elderly candidates raised last quarter to put toward personal medical care in case Trump wins again and the US healthcare system remains an unaffordable dumpster fire. Senator Bernie Sanders, 78: $34.5 millionStaffers say Sanders plans to replace his heart, which doctors and political experts agree is way too large. Former Vice President Joe Biden, 77: $22.7 millionJoe Biden will be using much of his money to fight his near-constant battle with lice which could easily be solved if he’d stop sniffing women’s hair. Sadly, the campaign is also looking into treatment for early onset Alzheimer’s as complete thoughts and sentences have become difficult for Biden to verbalize. Senator Elizabeth Warren, 70: $17 million. Being female, Warren is expected to have less medical issues, but she’s developed a drinking problem on the campaign trail in a misguided and racist effort to “become more Native American”. Warren will be needing a liver transplant before the end of 2020. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, 77: Refuses donations, uses his own money. Bloomberg – a billionaire – has had so many body parts replaced that he’s 87% robot and could be one of the first humans to live forever.