Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer announced this afternoon that president Donald Trump has been banned from her state. The announcement comes hours after Trump broke state law by not wearing a face mask during his visit to a Michigan Ford plant despite being warned to wear one. “Michigan deserves better than Donald J. Trump,” Whitmer stated. “Whenever the president comes around, he and his people bring crime. They bring lies. They spread disease. And some, I assume, are good people.” “I’m also stripping Mr. Trump of his ‘Michigan Man of The Year’ title,” Whitmer stated. “Which was never awarded to him like he claims because it doesn’t exist – but I’m doing it anyway because we all know that somehow it matters to him.” Meanwhile, governors from 22 other states including Wisconsin, Colorado and California are now considering implementing their own bans and fake award revocations, with Nevada Governor Stephen Sisolak saying he might actually honor Trump by making the president’s hairpiece Nevada’s official state roadkill. Advertisements
Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only goes so far. “Although conducting Zoom meetings from home was working fine, it’s super nice to see the familiar faces of my coworkers from 6-feet away, covered by a mask. The camaraderie is definitely worth raising your chances of getting the virus, and it’s a good reminder of who’s really in charge,” IT manager Martin Reddy stated. Photo by Anna Shvets
Photo Credit Steven Depolo
(Franklin, WI) Having just been picked up by a despondent 34-year-old in a depressed haze, this 30-count bottle of Lexapro has no fucking clue what it’s gotten itself into.
Researchers are reporting that early trials with the drug chloroform have been successful in preventing the spread of COVID-19 by people refusing to follow social distancing rules. “The scientific community is optimistic that chloroform can help to subdue people who are putting others at risk,” Leadburry stated. “By simply placing a chloroform-soaked cloth over their nose and mouth, we have been able to suppress individuals who are actively ignoring social distancing protocols,” head researcher Katie Leadburry stated. Should next month’s final human trial prove successful, scientists say the drug could be ready for use in the general public. “We hope to have every Costco and Red Lobster manager outfitted with enough chloroform to overpower an entire klan of Karens should anti-science protesting get out of hand,” Leadburry confirmed.
There are no laws in the state of Wisconsin anymore after a shocking 4-3 decision by the state Supreme Court found today that none of the state’s laws, or even the constitution itself, are constitutional. In the majority opinion conservative justices argued that “a government body cannot confer on itself the power to dictate the lives of individuals without reaching beyond its own authority; only God can rule over man.” Upon the conclusion of their final ruling, the Wisconsin Supreme Court officially dissolved itself leaving citizens to fend for themselves.
The White House filed a lawsuit today against Barack Obama which alleges that the former president has been living rent-free in Donald Trump’s head since November of 2008. Evidence admitted with the lawsuit to support the legal claim include a damning collection of hundreds of tweets written by Trump himself, along with hours of video footage which shows the current president blaming Obama for things that either never happened or are clearly not his fault. A statement from the White House also claims the former president owes Trump a sizable amount of money for the “considerable amount of mental wear and tear that he’s left behind.” “Make no mistake, Mr. Obama been living in there for well over a decade and it shows,” the statement read. “It’s time he paid his due.”