FaceTime Bug Causes Small Wormholes to Appear & Suck Up iPhones, Nearby Objects

“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.”

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President Trump Has Invited Nick Sandmann to Stand Six Inches From His Face at the State of The Union Address

“Nick will be up there competing for the same oxygen supply as the President for roughly an hour.”

Trump to Play Blackfaced ‘Ronald Klump’ Alongside Kanye West in Summer Blockbuster Movie

Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.”

Nationwide Removal of All Confederate Statues Begins as Participation Trophies are Sent to Grieving Southerners

Trump is trying to rectify the situation by sending Civil War participation trophies to his seething supporters.

Awful Commercial Angers Men, Causes Hipsters to Shave Beards

Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.”

Louisiana Governor Proposes 24-Hour Paid Maternity Leave

“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”

Entire ‘Beach Club’ Episode is Lindsay Lohan Getting Smacked in the Face

“I have never seen that much blood.”

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