A Face-Licking Epidemic is Freaking Out Floridians

“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”

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Virginia Politician: “What if We Only Painted Our Genitals?”

“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”

Democrats Will be Testing Trump’s Grasp of Object Permanence Tonight by Bringing Real People to The State of The Union Address

“Now, when I place Sajid in a crouching position behind me I’ll look for a confused expression on the president’s face. Soon thereafter – and here’s where it gets interesting – Sajid will pop out from behind me and…”

Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones

“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO

McDonald’s is Giving Away Red Heart Disease Awareness T-Shirts With Purchase of Grand Big Mac Meal

The 1,750 calorie meal has made its return for the month of February only.

More Than 6,000 Airplanes are Still Frozen Over US Airspace

“You can expect your loved ones to land safely; with only minor amputations being necessary.”

Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’

“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”

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