“Hopefully you are aware of the widespread gun ban suggestions that threaten the United States and your right to arm yourself. Remember: Just because…”
“We were quickly made aware that a lot of our readers live in colder climates that do not warrant leaving a frozen corpse outside. So if you live in one of those areas that is just too cold, but you have a fireplace – read on…”
“With the holiday season upon us here in the United States, it’s time to start thinking about which elderly or annoying relative you want to recycle this year…”
NRA President Wayne LaPierre, and Executive Vice President James W. Porter II have announced a plan to quickly curb mass shootings in the United States of America. Here are their tips for lowering the number of shooting deaths:
In a recent video released by the terrorist group ISIS, leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi made a heartfelt, and seemingly confused, yet angry call for action. The terror leader – who was clearly distraught – pretty much yelled at other Muslims, while breaking down and having (for lack of better words) a hissy fit. Here is the transcript: “If all Muslims are terrorists, then there’s a whole lot of lazy Muslims! Look, it’s really not that hard,” uttered al-Baghdadi, “you just make explosives, strap them to yourself, and then go out and detonate around the innocent people. I mean, WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE NOT GETTING!?” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi concluded, “Look. It’s really not that hard to just believe what you are told – and then just kill everyone. C’mon people!!! The Christians did it before!!!” Check out more stories below – or like our facebook page. It’s like… really fucking important.
“As a 77-year-old grandmother, I have seen a lot in my life…”
Texas Governor Gregg Abbott (R-Texas), like many other state leaders, has sent a letter to President Obama stating that he will not allow any refugees into his state in light of the recent, tragic attacks in Paris, France. The decision was understandably made because of Abbott’s wanting to maintain the current, logical gun control laws in his state. “Can you imagine,” began Abbott, “if we had refugees coming into our great state whom we know little-to-nothing about, yet also have this remarkable ease of access to guns. That’s like… like an instant 72 virgins scenario!” Indeed, similar sentiments rang out in many other states which no longer wanted to be toe-in-line with President Obama’s welcoming message to these refugees. Abbott continued, “Can you ALSO imagine if we had to actually start checking the backgrounds of people who wanted to buy powerful guns – checking things like their mental health records – and implementing a waiting period to boot!? Well that would be just ludicrous,” shouted Abbott. Abbott calmed down a bit – wiped sweat from his brow – and then stated, “Overall, the background checks for entry to the country that we already have in place now make complete sense, but I don’t want potential terrorists to get in here disguised as refugees who have waited months and months to get in,” Abbot then paused briefly to finish his Busch Lite. “Further, in regard to immigration in general, I agree with Donald Trump. The solution is a giant wall, on all of our borders… and maybe make a really tall one in New York City to block views of the Statue of Liberty. Or perhaps just tip her over to make her part of a wall!” Abbot shouted with the grin of an of inspired genius on his face. “And look,” Abbot concluded, “I’m not saying all of these people are bad… It’s just that I value the ease of access to guns over humanitarianism. It’s wrong to make Texans have to pass a background check and then have a waiting period – you know, pointless things that could prevent mass shootings in our country.” Check out more stories below – or like our facebook page.