BREAKING NEWS: 4th of July Stunner

In a shocking turn of events, it seems that people are gearing up for the Fourth of July by doing the exact same type of shit that they did last year. The grills are out, the beer is somewhat cold, Grandma just shit in the pool, and nobody is watching the kids. Your creepy uncle showed up with a ton of illegal fireworks in order to spend more time standing way too close behind you while whispering with his whiskey-soaked breath in your ear. “That’s it, get that fuse nice and hot. Yah… yah… that’s it…. AND DON’T YOU F$#%@ING TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS!” Your grossly overweight, alcoholic aunt has waaaay too much to drink and starts bitching about the left-wing media and how she wants her burger done medium-rare and how she only trusts Fox News and that Obama is a Kenyan and that you should share the chips because they ARE for everyone. Three of the neighborhood kids lose fingers or become partially blinded. Grandpa is afraid that the dogs will eat the baby. Nobody can find the baby. Who the F put Grandpa in charge of the baby!?!? —– Happy 4th of July! Be safe out there!  Visit and “Like” my Facebook Page to get more of the latest important news updates. Advertisements

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FOX News Embraces Jeb Bush as He Distances Self From Brother

YouReadyGrandma

After announcing his bid for Presidency, Jeb Bush tried to distance himself from brother George W. Bush. When asked by a reporter if his family name and relation to former President George W. Bush would hinder his chances, Jeb tactfully deflected the question in true-leader-fashion by

Christians Having a Harder Time Keeping Christ in Christmas

YouReadyGrandma

Devout Christians Robert and Denise Ferraro of Naperville, Illinois say that they began forgetting that Christ had anything to do with Christmas when their 10-year-old daughter Cindy came home from public school last December and told them that she had…

Parker Brothers to Unveil New “Guess That Queef” Game

YouReadyGrandma

Company spokesman Keith McElroy explained the new concept by comparing the game as a “mash-up of (their) already-existing games of Monopoly, Ouija, Bop It, Sorry!, Probe, and Aggravation.”

“It’s like Monopoly because there are some people that are just good at…

Raiders Fan Severely Injured by Errant Insult

YouReadyGrandma

(Photo by BrokenSphere. No endorsement implied) Sources say a Raiders fan that was hit with an offhand comment while at a San Francisco bar was leaking from the tear ducts as he was being carried out. Authorities report that he has sustained pride-threatening injuries. Onlookers have commented that all or part of the words shot at Raiders fan Ryan Gonzales deeply impacted him during the airing of Friday’s Giants versus Phillies game – rattling his eardrums and shaking him to the core. Gonzales was carried out of the bar after only starting his second flirtini. Those there state that Gonzales was hit by bartender Gretta Lawrence’s statement which immediately broke his spirit as he was attempting, for a 3rd time, to get to second base with Lawrence. His game was halted in the middle of a sexist catcall and friends tended to the man’s gushing deluge of tears as he was wheeled out of the bar on a stretcher. Reportedly, Lawrence cut off Gozales’ demeaning catcalls by interjecting that the Raiders had undoubtedly “scored more in the locker room than Grindr users, but couldn’t perform better than teenage boys on the field.” More details on Gonzales’ condition were not made immediately available. Alexa Micherst, of Walnut Creek, CA, told The San Francisco Chronicle that she was sitting next to the man when the insult flew into Gonzales’ eardrum just as he was trying to get to second base. “It was violent,” she said of the impact on Gonzales. “He cried a lot. I mean A LOT. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like that.” Micherst said the Gonzales acted more like a child than a man. After he was injured, the man’s friends were trying to console him. Gonzales was taken to his studio apartment and there is no information on his current condition. “You try to keep the Raiders in your thoughts and, hopefully, everything will be alright next season.” stated Gonzales’ brother-in-law Randy Pena. “Who knows, next year we could win 4 or, God willing, 5 games. Even 4 wins and a tie would be awesome!” Gonzales’ psychologist Brittany Favela expressed her concerns with Gonzales’ broken ego and the danger it could possess. A study issued on Raiders fans and their fragile egos suggests that Gonzales could be very unstable. “Fans could cry a lot or they could just snap and act out with violence and effeminate arm flailing,” stated Favela. The awful failures of the Raiders organization have increased approximately 50 percent since the beginning of the 2009 season, league spokesman Michale Borrango said. Though dozens of Raiders fans are struck by foul, reality-based insults each season, there has been only one fatality, according to football safety researchers. Thank you for reading our latest article. For more of the latest follow us on Facebook.

Nervous Rick Perry Unsure How to Count, Put Complete Sentences Together

(Photo by Gage Skidmore. No endorsement implied) Former Presidential hopeful Rick Perry, who stumbled and fell short in his last run for President of the United States has announced that he is running again. However, shortly after his announcement, his campaign team now admits that he can no longer remember what order numbers come in or how to string together words to form a coherent sentence. During a debate the last time he ran, Perry had a brain fart – forgetting a third agency that he would cut altogether as president. It seems that nerves have gotten to Perry again as he has lost all confidence in his mental capabilities. “There are many different ways to organize words into sentences,” Perry campaign manager Geoffrey Miller said. “Unfortunately Rick has lost all abilities to connect the words into logical or complete thoughts.” Counting has also become a problem according to Miller. “Since his announcement to run, Rick has been overwhelmed with anxiety when it comes to listing any number that comes after two,” Miller said. Perry also can’t remember how he gets to places, much like he did during one popular campaign video that landed him, as Perry stated, “somewhere in the woods.” Miller said that this was the last time they were aware of in which Perry “forgot how to speak in a meaningful manner,” and added that “in all likelihood we won’t have him in any campaign videos.” Miller stated that most people on the Perry campaign are so used to speaking that few of them are comfortable explaining to the candidate how to talk like a normal human being. “It’s not like baking a cake,” Miller said. “There is no simple recipe to assembling a sentence.” Indeed, just citing different parts of speech and trying to explain how to link them together leaves Perry with a blank, distant look in his eyes. “Terms like nouns, proper nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, articles, conjunctions, and prepositions have perplexed former Governor Perry,” Miller said. “In fact the only thing he seems to understand is what and interjection is. Which is a word that can usually stand alone.” According to aides, Perry has nailed the ability to yell words like ‘ouch!’ and ‘wow!’ but past that he stumbles. Because of this, much of the fundraising efforts are slated to go toward creating an android lookalike of Rick Perry that will have prerecorded responses to questions that reporters and debate moderators could ask – as well as the ability to have speeches programmed into it. Should Perry win, the campaign team is still up-in-the-air as to whether the android, or Rick Perry, would run the country. Thank you for reading our latest article. For more of the latest follow us on Facebook.

Richard Dawkins Apologizes for “Hostility” Toward Christians

YouReadyGrandma

This surprising move by Dawkins was nothing short of shocking as he has repeatedly made fun of those with religious beliefs for years. In the interview, Dawkins reportedly stated the following:

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