8’6″ Michelle Obama Frequently Rescues Cats From D.C. Trees


A little known fact about our eight-foot-six-inch-tall first lady Michelle Obama is that she uses her phenomenally long and powerful arms to rescue cats and kittens that get stuck in Washington D.C. metropolitan area trees. Hovering at just over 8’6″, and being the tallest woman in the world, the first lady said that she felt compelled to use her stature for good. “When you are this tall, you are often asked to reach things in high places. Like one time Barack was playing basketball with Lebron, Curry, and Shaq and the ball got stuck on the top of the shot clock – 3 feet above the rim. So I walked over, did a little hop and grabbed the ball in the palm of my right hand.” It was then that Michelle realized that she could do so much more with her height. “I had just been watching a local news story about an incredible, 3-legged cat that was rescued by the fire department and saw that I could offer a helpful service to the community by saving cats that get stuck in trees. So we created a hotline for just these situations and I’ve saved over 325 cats during Barack’s presidency.” Thank you for reading our latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page. Advertisements


Princeton Study: How Trump Defeated Clinton, Why the Polls Were Wrong

The polls showed a likely win for her, but the results did not reflect that; whatsoever. Now we have a fail-safe and proven reason as to why he managed to become the next President of the United States of America.

5th Hijacked Plane from 9/11 Still Flying


There is, in fact, a 5th hijacked plan from 9/11 that is still flying above our borders, with hostages. Let that sink in, because I know I had to as well. Let’s just pause to think about that.”

BREAKING: Supreme Court Cancels 2016 Election, Unanimously


BREAKING: (D.C.) In an unprecedented judicial move, the United States Supreme Court has just used its power to halt the 2016 Presidential election on the grounds of an obscure, little-known, yet legitimate measure found in The U.S. Constitution. With one seat still vacant in the court, the 8-0 vote passed in the late hours of Saturday night. The no-confidence ruling will result in at least one more year with Barack Obama serving as Commander In Chief – all while the United States’ population will have to go through another election cycle that will allow neither Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump to run. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.

A Furious, Confused Sarah Palin Lashes Out at Black Lives Matter


“Obviously black people love sports, and that’s why their babies are born during the basketball season, and football, and for those Kenyan blacks – the spring track season,” said Palin.

Study: At Least 50% of Americans Need to Restart Their Brains

Leading scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) are saying that a large portion of Americans need to hit the reset button on their brains. The problem has gotten so bad that scientists fear many people can’t actually see how different things can be interconnected, or conversely, completely unrelated. “The human brain is not set up to be constantly running all of the time,” stated head researcher Robert Tofflin. “This is why we to take a break here and there, and be sure to get a decent night’s sleep.” But according to Tofflin, sleeping and giving your brain a rest isn’t enough for everyone. “The human ‘sleep mode’ can only do so much for some people,” Tofflin explained. “That’s because some people are so dumb that they actually need a complete reset.” Indeed, although sleep helps with most issues. One of the greatest reasons many Americans need to reboot their brains is that it may benefit society as a whole. “Societies filled with brains that aren’t performing at their best start to create inter-connectivity problems after a while. Today in America, people with slow-moving brains cause many awful problems.” Tofflin continued, “These stupid people have moronic notions which are often forced upon innocent children or transmitted via internet connections. This is also why we can see a frenzy of dumb humans on social media.” Unfortunately, people in severe need of a brain reset can even act out in awful ways while in public. “Faulty brains that are in desperate need of repair are directly linked to problems like mass shootings, anti-vaccination movements, transphobia, homophobia, sexism, racism, and more. By resetting these defective brains, we will be giving society the breather that it so desperately needs,” Tofflin concluded. The study also found that brain problems can often be caused by an unfounded denial of reality which causes the brain to become corrupt. Some all-too-common causes included: deep and unquestioning religious faith, a blind hatred of science, a strong dislike of education, and an inability to evaluate new facts and allow the human brain to change its opinion. A final finding showed that it’s important to question your own beliefs on a regular basis in order to stay proactive with personal brain health. This will not cause any harm to society as it is simply a way of being able to first see, and then admit when you are wrong. If your problems continue, you may need a complete brain reset. How to reset your brain: 1. Shut up. Just shut up for once. 2. Unplug your head from your ass. Verify you have done so by then opening your eyes and seeing the world around you. 3. Wait 2 minutes, then never shove your head up your ass again. 4. Allow for reality to set in. 5. You should now be reconnected to the world around you. 6. Cautiously share opinions after checking for accuracy with multiple reliable, or peer reviewed sources. 7. If problems continue, be sure that your nose isn’t also covered in a smelly, brown substance called “shit,” which often comes from burying your face in the asses of leadership figures who need to restart their brains as well. Staff Note: Please refrain from putting other things in your ass – unless you are down with that – then proceed with lubrication, patience, and caution. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.

Severe Depression to Impact Holiday Weekend for Many


With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering down might be the wisest decision. “For me, it looks like the depression will be coming right at me from two fronts,” stated Jenny Schwartz of Baltimore, Maryland. “My Bible-thumping, morbidly obese Aunt Cheryl from The South, and my condescending, evil mother-in-law Debbie will approach from The North. They will coalesce on my front lawn around 2:00 PM on Sunday, July 3rd,” said Schwartz. “So this year, despite sending invitations, I am going to pretend to be dead if anyone rings the doorbell or knocks. Fuck these people.” But it’s not just the Eastern seaboard that will be hit hard: experts believe that the strong depression will move westward, impacting the Great Plains and spreading to the West Coast. Chief Meteorologist Brian Busbey of Channel 9 in Kansas City, Kansas described what he expects to occur this holiday season for him. “Hurricane Helen, with her bitch-force opinions, will be crossing the United States from Charlotte, North Carolina to my home,” Busbey stated while drawing arrows and sad faces on a green screen map. “Undoubtedly, this inherent depression will leave me asking many questions, like: ‘Why do I bother cooking or baking anything for these fucking assholes?!?!’” Busbey concluded, “We get it Aunt Helen, ‘Kansas City, Kansas’ sounds stupid, just like everything you fucking say!” Medical experts are already offering tips for how Americans can cope with the inevitable depression. Some key tips include: 1. Have a plan. Be sure to know where the alcohol is, and map out a route to it that allows you to get really liquored-up while avoiding as many unsavory relatives as possible. 2. Set realistic goals. By keeping the bar low, you won’t be blindsided by even more disappointment, resentment, or thoughts of suicide. 3. Exercise. Be sure to exercise your first Amendment right to free speech. You’ll already have alcohol pulsing through your veins for encouragement. So speak up, create a pamphlet of opinions to share, or design a calculated, hurtful sign to hold up in the faces of these assholes. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.

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