Massive Opium Fields to Be Burned Off in Wisconsin After Monsanto-Bayer Merger Fails

“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”

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Betsy DeVos Removes ‘Appreciation’ From National Teacher Appreciation Day

“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.”

Elizabeth Warren Recommends Changing Your Dreamcatcher Filter Every Spring

“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren

What Happens to the 19 Dead Horses After the Kentucky Derby?

“We sell the meat to Taco Bell, send a bunch of parts to candy factories and use the rest to make high-end huffing glue.”

US Dept. Of Health: ‘Never Stick Anything Larger than a Grapefruit Up Your Butt’

“Remember, we’re only talking about girth. So if you wanted to tape 7 oversized grapefruits together and play hide the citrus in your [expletive], you could absolutely do that.” Secretary Alex Azar stated.

Steve Cohen Sparks Massive Dumpster Fire on House Floor, Bites Heads Off of Live Chickens

Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.

Yale Study Says Farting Burns More Calories Than Working Out

“If friendship and odors don’t matter to you, then you could really get in great shape.”

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