Confused, Conservative-Run Coffee Chain Too Scared To Serve Black Coffee

conservative coffee company black rifle wont serve black coffee


Unwilling to learn current social etiquette – and despite the fact that black coffee is widely considered the most “manly” way to take your caffeine – the conservative and veteran-run Black Rifle Coffee Company is still too confused and frightened to offer the drink as an option.

“I have nothing against Black people or black coffee, it’s just that we don’t want to be accused of doing something wrong,” owner Evan Hafer stated. “Just yesterday I told a girl to smile and that didn’t turn out so well. Basically, we have no idea when we’ve done something wrong and we’re tired of being called assholes. Learning is hard, so it’s just easier to not touch these words or topics.”

Hafer further clarified his position.

“I just know I’m going to complete an order for an Afric… color… errr… Black person and then accidentally shout out the order name: ‘coffee black!’ and suddenly I’m cancelled.”

Hafer went on to say that other companies get a pass on the topic.

“I know that Starbucks is allowed to sell black coffee because they’re liberal,” Hafer stated. “But if we offer black coffee too, would that be cultural appropriation? I don’t know. So, for now, we’ll continue selling our Segregation Celebration French blend: the closest we get to touching the issue besides having ‘Black’ in our name.”

As of press time the Black Rifle Coffee Company described its coffee offerings as “products for people who love America,” but they still didn’t care enough to learn about any fellow Americans that are different from them.


Photo credit koka_sexton