Stoned Sprinter Given ‘Unfair Advantage’ By Trainer Waiting With Big Bag Of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos At Finish Line

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The International Olympic Committee banned US sprinter Sha’Carri Richardson from participating in events this year after she tested positive for THC. When issuing their decision, the committee said that the drug would give Richardson an unfair advantage.

“The last thing we need is having to explain to the world why a glassy-eyed athlete, who just broke a world record, is devouring a huge bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos after crossing the finish line,” Olympic representative Keegan Simms stated. “The motivation of the munchies is a very powerful thing. A stoned sprinter being enticed with food would give an unfair advantage.”

As of press time the International Olympic Committee was reassuring US Men’s basketball star and cannabis connoisseur Kevin Durant that he, and the rest of the team, would not be tested for THC this year.