subway tuna is people

‘Our Tuna Is Definitely Not Shredded-Up People’ Suspicious, Overly-Specific Subway Statement Reads

Refusing to say exactly what’s in their tuna, Subway released an odd, rambling statement today in which the company attempted to reassure the public that their fishy product is not made from people.

“The tuna is definitely not shredded-up people,” the statement read. “So to be clear, when you order the tuna you aren’t eating… say… the tender flesh of a failed Sandwich Artist or the deservedly dead meat of unruly customers who were taught a lesson.”

“What’s in the tuna? That’s a great question, but we cannot tell you because it is a proprietary secret,” the statement read. “What we can say is that when you order the tuna, you most certainly aren’t devouring savory pieces of the homeless or any other blend of discovered human remains that could easily be attained on the black market.”

As of press time, Subway was in the process of rebranding the meal option as the ‘Tu-Nah™ Sandwich’ in order to “be as transparent as the FDA requires.”

Photo credit vincent desjardins

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