Uncomfortable With Liberal Support, Liz Cheney Reassures Public She’s ‘Still A Horrible, Horrible Person’


Liz Cheney has been taking heat from fellow Republicans ever since she tweeted yesterday that “The 2020 presidential election was not stolen,” and that “Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system.” The tweet made countless liberals applaud Cheney’s for her stance, with some even referring to her as the “conscience of the Republican party.” In reacting to the newfound support from Democrats, Cheney has said that she’s “increasingly uncomfortable with the notion that liberals would praise anything that I would do.” Cheney also released a short statement later in the day: “Listen up liberals. You need to remember that I’m still a horrible, horrible person,” Cheney wrote. “I am still anti-gay marriage, I am still anti-abortion and pro-torture. I deny that global warming exists and I want to abolish the EPA. And Let’s not forget that the Democrats are the party of anti-Semitism and infanticide. So never forget where I stand.” As of press time nobody liked Liz Cheney.

Kevin McCarthy Announces Republican Party Has Officially Changed Its Name To ‘QAnon’


While talking to reporters outside of the United States Capitol today, House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy told journalists that he would appreciate it if they would refer to members of the Republican party as ‘QAnon’ from here on out. “As the face of the former House Republicans I’m here to announce that we have decided that it’s time to change our party name from ‘Republican’ to ‘QAnon’,” McCarthy stated. “We voted to do this today because 56% of Republicans are believers in ‘Q’ and the majority of Republicans in the House are too. There is a very real satanistic cult of pedophiles that are controlling much of the government and we must help President Trump stop them. Finally, we firmly believe that the election was stolen and that openly forming this party is the right thing to do before the Jewish space lasers kill us all.” As of press time McCarthy was nostalgically reading Dr. Seuss books on the House floor to the newly-formed QAnon party as they played with Mr. Potato Head dolls and ate red meat covered in Land O’Lakes butter and Aunt Jemima syrup that they had been stockpiling for months. According to a posted agenda, the next order of business for the QAnon party is to pass a bill preventing Hillary Clinton from eating any more babies. Photo credit Medill DC

Facebook Will Rule On Reinstatement Of Trump Tomorrow. Here’s How They’ll Decide


Facebook will make a controversial decision tomorrow: Will they reinstate former president Donald J. Trump, or permanently ban him from their platform? The social media giant initially banned Trump in January after he personally sparked a riot at the US Capitol building. So what factors will influence their decision and just what might happen? Let’s break it down. Choices – Facebook has options beyond simply banning or allowing Trump back on the site. Most agree that although they could simply ban the ex-president or allow him to fully utilize the platform, it would be way funnier to leave him in read-only mode; unable to post, like, comment, or share. Biases – Facebook will do a self-evaluation to ensure that they aren’t being too harsh or biased against Trump whose words incited an insurrection; resulting in the deaths of five people and the ex-president being impeached for a second time. Analysis Paralysis – Trump has disseminated a mountain of lies and disinformation on social media previously. With so much damning evidence against him, Facebook might become overwhelmed and just give up; allowing the former leader back on the site. Gut Feelings – After having 100-plus stress-free days of a Joe Biden presidency, Facebook might somehow forget the sick, sinking feeling that sane Americans felt in the pits of their stomachs during Trump’s four years in office and reinstate him. Excuses – Facebook could take a ‘Trumpian’ approach by denying any accountability for their own actions and the consequences that follow by going ahead and reinstating the former president. Clarity – Facebook could finally realize that Trump is a worthless piece of shit and do the right thing: permanently ban him. Photo credit Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

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