Entire Venezuelan Economy Riding On Handful Of GameStop Shares

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Entire Venezuelan Economy Riding on GameStop Shares Stock Market

Disputed leader of Venezuela Nicolás Maduro revealed today that the entire Venezuelan economy was “currently riding on a handful of Gamestop shares” as the corrupt authoritarian admitted that he threw all of the country’s remaining money into the stock market.

“We’ve been trying to fix our economy for what seems like forever,” Maduro stated. “I saw the news and I decided to roll the dice.”

Indeed, Venezuela has been hit incredibly hard in the past years with political corruption, unemployment, shortages of food and medicine, human rights violations, and the closure of countless companies.

“I put the last of our money in and got nine shares of GameStop,” Maduro stated. “Some people might say it’s stupid to risk money when you don’t really have any, but at this point who really cares? A la luna. ¡Vamanos!”

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Jeff Bezos Enters Rehab For Money Addiction & Identity Crisis After Stepping Down As Amazon CEO

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is stepping down from his position in order to enter rehab for a severe case of money addiction and to help stop an ongoing identity crisis. Those close to Bezos say that for years the billionaire has been constantly consumed by dressing up like a dragon and thinking of ways to obtain more and more money. “Jeff truly believes that his self-worth is tied to cash and his greatest fear is that he will go bankrupt,” one person close to Bezos stated. “He also seems to think he’s a dragon.” In fact, Bezos can’t even go to bed at night unless he’s wearing a dragon onesie and there’s a huge pile of money for him to lay on. “He can’t sleep until his staff covers his bed with at least $5 million in gold coins and stacks of cash. Mr. Bezos then dresses up in one of his many dragon costumes and sprawls out on the mountain of money to fall asleep,” the source stated. The final straw for the board of directors was when Bezos began insisting on wearing his dragon onesies to the office; even for important meetings. After this went on for awhile, the board voted to force the billionaire to step down and seek help. “Jeff would roar and growl at employees and potential business partners while in meetings and walking the halls,” the source stated. “One time he scared the CEO of FedEx so much that they cancelled a shipping partnership for a few hours before other higher ups at Amazon were able to smooth things over. I truly wish Jeff the best of luck.”
Jeff Bezos Enters Rehab For Money Addiction and Identity Crisis After Stepping Down As Amazon CEO
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