Adam Westin of Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin just faked his 500th orgasm in under a year in an ongoing effort to avoid having children with his wife Rebecca who is completely unaware of what’s going on. “Adam and I have been trying for a baby for over 11 months now and we’ve both had good results on our fertility tests so I have no idea what’s going on,” Rebecca stated. “Maybe we’re just not meant to have kids.” Just minutes after finishing his 500th fake orgasm Adam Westin was in the bathroom masturbating for the 500th time in under a year.
Authorities confirmed today that Marjorie Taylor Greene – an armed, hostile and mentally unstable woman that has been terrorizing congressional colleagues – is actually an escaped psych ward patient named Karen Lynn McConnell. Reportedly the estranged sister of Senator Mitch McConnell, the congresswoman was taken into custody this morning for questioning before being heavily medicated and returned to Eastern State Hospital in Kentucky. As of press time, law enforcement was still searching for Karen Lynn McConnell’s missing roommate Lauren Boebert who authorities say is “also a grave danger to society that could very well be hiding in plain sight.”
Former richest man in the world Elon Musk was overtaken today by Reddit user dildo_swaggins69 after the amateur investor managed to turn investments in Gamestop, AMC, and Dogecoin into more than $277 billion over the course of a week. When reached for comment on how it felt to become the richest person in the world so quickly, the anonymous dildo-swaggins69 stated, “Together apes strong 🦍. Buy and hold r*****s. To the fucking moooon! 🚀🚀🚀 Let’s go0o0oo!” Notably, several other Reddit users, including OwenWilsonsNose, Intradouching_Myself, JustThepenisTip, and BreadPitt have also become billionaires overnight.
Members of the white nationalist, neo-fascist, far-right political organization the Proud Boys say they feel “shocked and betrayed” after finding out that their non-white leader Enrique Tarrio is likely to be a an FBI informant and that he might have been working against them. What do you think? Photo Credit Mohammed Berrada