Second Stimulus Package Just A Pizza Party & Free Copy Of Shrek 3

second stimulus just pizza party and free copy of shrek 3

After months of back and forth over what to provide in a stimulus package for the American people, Congress has finally managed to pass a bill that will offer every family a pizza party and a free copy of Shrek 3.

According to Senator Mitch McConnell, another option that Congress was considering included a coupon for free chips and guacamole at Chipotle.

“Besides the free, authentic Mexican food we also toyed with the idea of simply sending a dildo with a letter telling Americans to go fuck themselves,” McConnell laughed. “And in the end that’s essentially what we’ve done here.”

When pressed for details on the pizza party, McConnell admitted that they will just be sending a 15-count bag of Totino’s Pepperoni Pizza Rolls™ to citizens.

Notably, McConnell says they will be sending out the pizza rolls despite lacking the funds to keep the food frozen.

“If anything this will help starving families heat these delicious and nutritious morsels even faster,” McConnell smiled. “What a treat!”

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Congress Passes Stimulus Approving 100, 6-Dollar Checks Per American

In a rare Sunday vote, Congress managed to pass a stimulus bill that will send one hundred $6 checks to every American. “Although we couldn’t agree on a higher amount, we did come to the conclusion that one hundred checks would make a much bigger impact, visually speaking,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “So I hope your mailbox is big enough, because they’re all coming at once!” Meanwhile president Trump called the bill “a huge step in the right direction.” “If my math checks out, that’s $6,000 for every American citizen,” Trump smiled. “I asked for $2,000, I get $6,000!” As of press time, the US Postal Service announced that the undertaking was literally impossible. Photo credit Bjoertvedt .
congress passes stimulus bill 100 6 dollar checks
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