Now Sentient, Toothbrush Screaming Internally to Be Thrown Out Already

sentient toothbrush wants you to throw it out already

(Topeka, KS) Now eight months past the American Dental Association’s recommended three month replacement period, 34-year-old James Simmons’ filthy, discolored toothbrush just gained consciousness and immediately began screaming internally to be put out of its misery.

“Kill me now! I’m horrifying!” Simmon’s toothbrush shrieked on the inside. “For the love of God! If there is a God! Snap me in half and put me to sleep forever!”

As of Friday afternoon, a cockroach more aware of its surroundings than Simmon’s had begun mercifully eating the bristly face off of the despondent toothbrush.