CDC: Expect a Return to Your Normal, Shitty Life By the End of 2021

CDC Director Robert Redfield told a Senate panel today that he believes a COVID-19 vaccine should be available soon and that “US citizens can expect to return to their normal, shitty lives by the end of 2021.”

“We know the past 7 months have been extra hard on the working class. It’s like God took your lives – here represented by a flaming cake made of shit – and then just fucking covered it with horrific death sprinkles.” Redfield stated. “I know it’s hard to look back a year and recall what things were like before the death sprinkles, but try to remember that it was still a flaming shit cake back then; so lower your expectations.”

As of press time the CDC said it was preparing a ‘Return to Normal’ campaign that will include advertisements warning Americans that they’ve romanticized their pre-pandemic lives and that not much will change once the pandemic is over.

“So let me emphasize: the only notable difference between right now and the post-vaccine future is that there will be less time for introspection,” Redfield stated. “And this is a good thing, because a life unexamined is rarely recognized as being one worth ending.”