The next presidential debate has been officially rebranded as ‘The 2020 Presidential Debate With Jerry Springer,’ as the former TV show host and pseudo-celebrity is set to moderate. The Commission on Presidential Debates confirmed that the October 15th Miami debate will also include Steve Wilkos as security between the chaotic, belligerent Trump and the increasingly fed-up Joe Biden. “If need be, we’ll let them get a few jabs in. Let ’em throw a couple of punches before we have Steve separate the two,” Springer stated. “We’ll have appropriate waivers signed and medics on standby in case one of these geriatrics tries to kick the bucket in the process.” Notably, the Commission on Presidential Debates also admitted today that this was essentially their “last ditch effort to fix everything that went wrong” in the first debate. “We’re really out of ideas, so at least this way things seem to actually make some sort of sense. If you can’t get them under control, just let them be out of control in the appropriate setting,” commission Co-Chair Deanne Reeder stated. “Jerry Springer and Steve Wilkos are the perfect people to handle what is sure to be yet another national embarrassment.” Photo Credit Justin Hoch, Luigi Novi
After telling his staff that he has been hearing a loud, irritating booing noise “pretty much everywhere” he goes, president Trump was quickly checked into Walter Reed Hospital to be seen by doctors. Once there, medical experts were quick to diagnose the president. “Mr. Trump is now dealing with the auditory repercussions from years of inflicting damage on both the US Constitution and democracy,” Doctor Michael Sprouts stated. “We are quite sure that much of the damage is beyond repair, but the president can prevent worsening conditions by stepping down from office.” As of press time experts at Walter Reed told reporters that the loud booing sound will likely be a lingering condition for the rest of Donald Trump’s life.
Senator Rand Paul incorrectly asserted today that New York City has achieved herd immunity from COVID-19 and that the rest of the US should follow suit. Paul then proceeded to get down on his knees to lick and slobber on a door handle. “If we could all just do something like this…” Paul stated before opening his mouth and deepthroating the silver handle for the better part of a minute. He then switched to staring directly into the camera while slowly licking the length of the hard metal before continuing. “…then we could reach herd immunity and stop having to worry about COVID-19 within a month.” As of press time Republican Senators were lining up to orally defile the same door handle in a show of solidarity with Rand Paul.
Emphasizing that they’re the perfect size and weight to throw at police officers, Donald Trump signed an executive order today placing a 10-day waiting period on the purchase of Bumble Bee tuna across the country. The new law also requires citizens to pass background checks to secure cans 12 ounces or larger. “I signed this order because I really want everyone to think about what they’re doing before they leave the store with these masterfully designed death devices,” Trump stated. “Because right now we have people buying cans of Bumble Bee tuna, walking out the door, throwing them at police officers, and killing them.” Despite zero reported incidents of cans being used as weapons against police officers – let alone Bumble Bee brand tuna – Trump claims that countless cops have lost their lives in tuna-can-related altercations. The president added that his tuna control legislation has nothing to do with the fact that Bumble Bee had come out strongly against his tariffs and trade war months prior.
(Topeka, KS) Now eight months past the American Dental Association’s recommended three month replacement period, 34-year-old James Simmons’ filthy, discolored toothbrush just gained consciousness and immediately began screaming internally to be put out of its misery. “Kill me now! I’m horrifying!” Simmon’s toothbrush shrieked on the inside. “For the love of God! If there is a God! Snap me in half and put me to sleep forever!” As of Friday afternoon, a cockroach more aware of its surroundings than Simmon’s had begun mercifully eating the bristly face off of the despondent toothbrush.
The White House announced the release of Donald Trump’s new, pre-election book titled My Struggle today, prompting the country of Germany to ban the paperback instantly. White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that, despite strong pushback, the book will be included as mandatory reading in all schools under Trump’s newly announced Patriotic Education Commission. “Mr. Trump’s new book, which is an autobiographical manifesto, details the hardships that the president has had to endure throughout his life to get to where he is today,” McEnany stated. “From heavy, gold-plated diapers and bone spurs to seven bankruptcies and two failed marriages. It’s all in there. It’s all very humanizing.” The book is set to hit stores next Monday, while millions of free copies will be handed out at US schools. “Because Mr. Trump cares about the education of our children, he has organized a nationwide group called the ‘Trump Youth’ that will be handing out free copies of My Struggle at schools all across the country,” McEnany confirmed.
In a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court ruled today that satire is now illegal in the United States, stating that it “no longer serves its original purpose due to reality moving far beyond that of rational thought.” “The use of exaggeration and irony to expose and criticize will no longer be allowed,” the expletive-ridden majority opinion read. “We must rule this way because, unfortunately, everything in our world is now un-fucking-believable. On top of this, since the general public already has a hard enough time telling their own ass from a hole in the ground, we don’t need to add to the confusion when absolutely nothing can be considered far-fetched anymore.” As of press time, satire sites were happy to shut down, with The Onion admitting that “it was getting excruciatingly difficult trying to come up with stories while actual journalists were basically writing the same things by simply covering the real world.” Photo credit Joe Ravi, CC-BY-SA 3.0