Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®


A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after president Trump pushed the extract as a cure for the coronavirus.

Oxford says that their sizable study, which included 5,125 patients and had a 100% mortality rate, has conclusively proven that oleandrin has the same impact on COVID-19 patients as grabbing a MyPillow®, shoving it down on a person’s face, and holding it there until they stop moving.

“Half of the patients in our study were poisoned with oleandrin, the other half were suffocated by a MyPillow®. Sadly, everyone died,” researcher Yuri Reznick confirmed.

Upon hearing the news, president Trump praised the study.

“Can you believe it? The science shows oleandrin works just as well as best-selling sleep accessory the MyPillow®! With millions of these pillows having been sold across the country, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t welcome oleandrin into your household today!”

As of press time, fed-up scientists across the globe were in agreement that this was the last time they’d be saving the president’s supporters from killing themselves due to Trump’s baseless, deadly medical advice.

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DC Prepared to Shut Off Utilities If Trump Refuses to Leave White House

When asked if there was a plan in place if Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House after losing the November election, Washington D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser said that the city was already prepared for such a scenario. “Unfortunately, president Trump has made it clear that he will determine whether or not he accepts the November election results. Because of this many are wondering what will happen if he loses and refuses to remove himself from the White House,” Bowser stated. “Well if that is the case, the president will be cry-tweeting from his golden toilet, alone in the dark. Because we’re going to shut off all utilities if he protests the results.” In response to Bowser’s statements, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that such a move would be illegal. “The law clearly states that, and I quote, ‘utilities cannot disconnect service under federal law if you file for bankruptcy.’ Mr. Trump has already done that six times and he’ll do it a seventh if he has to. The utility company also cannot disconnect Mr. Trump’s service if he has a serious medical condition,” McEnany stated. “And undoubtedly anyone who refuses to accept a loss in the face of clear evidence is in serious need of psychiatric help.”
DC prepared to shut off Utilities at White House If Trump refuses to leave
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