Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®

A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after president Trump pushed the extract as a cure for the coronavirus.

Oxford says that their sizable study, which included 5,125 patients and had a 100% mortality rate, has conclusively proven that oleandrin has the same impact on COVID-19 patients as grabbing a MyPillow®, shoving it down on a person’s face, and holding it there until they stop moving.

“Half of the patients in our study were poisoned with oleandrin, the other half were suffocated by a MyPillow®. Sadly, everyone died,” researcher Yuri Reznick confirmed.

Upon hearing the news, president Trump praised the study.

“Can you believe it? The science shows oleandrin works just as well as best-selling sleep accessory the MyPillow®! With millions of these pillows having been sold across the country, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t welcome oleandrin into your household today!”

As of press time, fed-up scientists across the globe were in agreement that this was the last time they’d be saving the president’s supporters from killing themselves due to Trump’s baseless, deadly medical advice.