“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
The Washington Redskins announced today that they’ve finally found a more fitting name for their organization after it was revealed that at least 15 women have reported instances of sexual harassment, including unwanted touching. The franchise says that after much debate it has settled on the Washington Gropers. Reportedly, other names that were being considered included the Washington Non-Disclosure Agreements and the Washington Molesters.
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany shocked the press today when she accidentally acknowledged that science does in fact exist, but that it shouldn’t impact the decisions the nation makes during the pandemic. “A little thing called ‘science’ should not stand in the way of school openings. All that scientists have are ‘hypothesis’ – which are just guesses,” McEnany stated. “So of course we can open schools, everyone else in the western world – all of our peer nations – are doing it!” Despite the fact that McEnany is completely wrong, and that the United States is doing far worse at handling the pandemic than other first world countries, nobody in the stunned-silent press could muster a single question after she uttered the word “science.” Photo credit Cezary p
57-year-old death row inmate and serial killer Kyle Perklans was forcibly removed from the Louisiana State Penitentiary today after refusing to follow the institution’s mask guidelines. Perklans, who was scheduled to die from lethal injection on Saturday night, is now a free man. “I don’t care who you are, you aren’t allowed inside of our prison system if you refuse to wear a mask – there are no exceptions,” warden Michael Sullivan stated. “Now Mr. Perklans has an entire lifetime to sit and think long and hard about how his actions impact others.” As of early Thursday, the freed killer was already in Georgia where Governor Brian Kemp has banned cities and counties from mandating masks. Perklans says he plans to raise his murder count significantly by simply licking a few doorknobs and then joining likeminded people at an anti-mask rally. “It’s not my preferred method of killing, but it gets the job done,” Perklans said of joining the protests. “Everyone was livid when I bludgeoned seven people with a hammer, but there’s no repercussions when I do it this way.” Photo credit Stefano Mazzone