Goya Sued For Assaulting Conservatives With Flavor, Spices in Products

Thousands of Americans’ lives have flashed before their eyes in the past 24 hours after Goya CEO Robert Unanue announced that he was a huge Donald Trump supporter. Since the statement, conservatives everywhere began buying up Goya products, despite being woefully unprepared for what a class action lawsuit is now calling “life-threatening levels of spiciness.”

Key offenders on the Goya product line included Adobo all-purpose seasoning, dry chiles, canned jalapeño peppers, Authentic Latino Seasoning Mix, and all of the company’s hot sauces and salsas.

Lawyers representing the plaintiffs say that it’s an unfortunate situation, but Goya needs to pay the price for their unsafe products.

“When Goya sells its products, they’re not selling the best. They’re selling products that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to our grocery aisles and into our homes,” a statement from the lawyers read. “They’re bringing death. The spices rape your throat, and some of them, I assume, are good products.”

As of Friday countless conservatives have reported near-death experiences and prosecutors are pushing for all Goya products to either be removed from stores, or be given prominent warning labels for when white people are feeling adventurous in the Hispanic Foods aisle.