Families Told to ‘Select One Child as Tribute’ For School Reopening Experiment

The White House announced today that they will be issuing a mandate requiring families with school-aged children to send at least one child to school as tribute for a school reopening experiment.

“Because our nation is so divided right now we decided to take a middle-of-the-road approach,” vice president Mike Pence stated. “Now families will be able to pick which child they would like to send to school while keeping the other ones at home.”

Notably, families with just one child will be entered into a lottery system that will randomly select the kids that will have to attend classes. The names will be drawn at large, mandatory gatherings called ‘reapings’.

“A reaping is an event that will take place in every school district before the school year,” Pence stated. “At the reaping, children without siblings are randomly chosen to attend classes in the upcoming school year. As of right now we are thinking that each district will simply select names from glass bowls.”

Additionally, blood tests will be administered to all children who will attend classes to check for coronavirus and to confirm their identities.

When asked by reporters for details on the rest of the school reopening plan, Pence stated “President Trump hasn’t gotten to that chapt… er… we’ll have more details to share with the American people very shortly.”