Man Who Has Never Celebrated Columbus Day Says He’ll Be Livid if It’s Cancelled


Unsure of exactly what Columbus Day is, or how or why people celebrate it, local man Tim Morris of Delafield, Wisconsin says he’ll be absolutely livid if lawmakers remove the holiday.

“This doesn’t impact Tim or anyone I know at all,” Tim’s wife Kaytie stated. “He isn’t even a government employee, so he wouldn’t be losing a day of paid vacation or anything either. He’s just going crazy from sitting on the couch and watching Fox News all day.”

As of late Wednesday evening Morris was on twitter telling liberals that they’re “destroying history” despite not knowing anything about Christopher Columbus, what country he came from, where he landed, how many innocent people he killed or that he didn’t discover America.

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Ghislaine Maxwell 'Accidentally Lobotomized' Just Hours Into Her Lock Up

Jeffrey Epstein’s former right hand woman, Ghislaine Maxwell, who is accused of helping Mr. Epstein sexually abuse countless girls as young as 14, was accidentally lobotomized at the Merrimack County Jail today. The tragic mishap took place when Maxwell’s files were somehow switched and she was confused with a psychiatric ward prisoner scheduled for a lobotomy. Authorities from Merrimack County are calling the incident an “unbelievably terrible case of mistaken identity” and “incredibly poor timing” as the lobotomy procedure was the first in the state since the 1950’s. The operation has left Maxwell unable to move or speak. “We know what it looks like, but it’s not what you think” a statement from the county read. “Unfortunately we’ll never be able to show you exactly what happened because the video surveillance cameras were not functioning properly throughout the facility.” Notably, nobody in the Merrimack County Jail had noticed the catastrophic error until a guard hired by Donald Trump to kill Maxwell reported that he couldn’t find her in her cell.
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