The corpse of deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging in a tree outside of his mausoleum in Loxahatchee, Florida this morning. Authorities investigating the incident say that two night watchmen on duty last night failed to make … Continue reading Epstein digs up and hangs himself again after cemetery night watchmen forget to monitor his burial site
SpaceX astronauts Robert Behnken and Douglas Hurley are refusing orders to return to Earth this weekend, citing the uncontrolled spread of coronavirus and social unrest in their home country of the United States. “Although we have already carried out our … Continue reading SpaceX Astronauts Refusing to Return to Earth ‘Until The US Gets Its Shit Together’
President Trump is sending federal agents to the US suburbs in order to show citizens just “how easy it is to take their mail.” The move comes in an effort to prove that mail-in ballots will cause large-scale voter fraud … Continue reading Trump Sends Federal Agents to Suburbs to Demonstrate How Easy It Is to Steal Your Mail
President Trump told reporters today that he believed that mail-in voting for the 2020 election would result in the most inaccurate and fraudulent election in history. Trump added that he’d be “much more comfortable” having Russia oversee the mail-in ballots … Continue reading Trump Says Unbiased Third Party ‘Such as Russia’ Should Oversee 2020 Mail-In Ballots
Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced her new ‘A Few Children Left Behind Program’ today which will allow schools to reopen on time in a limited capacity. Devos says that she’ll be sending the 10 least promising students per classroom … Continue reading ‘A Few Children Left Behind Program’ Will Send Least Promising Kids to School to See If Classrooms Are Safe
President Trump shared a video on Twitter yesterday featuring a doctor named Stella Immanuel who claimed that she’s cured COVID-19 with hydroxychloroquine. Within minutes of posting the video, it was revealed that Dr. Immanuel also believes that having sexual intercourse … Continue reading Melania Avoids Donald After Learning ‘Sex With Demons Causes Disease’
Former NFL player and coach Mike Ditka says he’s having an increasingly difficult time achieving orgasm during the national anthem like he used to. Ditka says the reason for his troubles is that he’s become distracted by liberals sitting, keeling, … Continue reading Mike Ditka Says He’s Having a Hard Time Achieving Orgasm During the National Anthem
The Pentagon put an end to the ongoing statue removal debate today by ordering every statue in the country to be taken down and replaced with sculptures of our “soon-to-be arriving alien overlords.” The announcement comes just hours after the … Continue reading Pentagon: ‘It’s Time to Erect Statues In Honor Of Our Arriving Alien Overlords’
(Buffalo, New York) Local man Bryan James, who proudly announced from the couch today that he could outpitch 79-year-old Dr. Fauci, somehow couldn’t find the strength to watch as members of the Yankees and Nationals took a knee before today’s … Continue reading Local Man Who Can ‘Totally Outpitch’ 79-Year-Old Fauci Somehow Can’t Handle Players Kneeling
After public outcry over unidentifiable federal agents snagging protesters from their unmarked vans, Attorney General William Barr says that the agents will now be much, much easier for protesters to spot. “Those involved in Operation Legend will now be wearing … Continue reading ‘Operation Legend’ Agents Now Have Brown Shirts, Red Armbands & a Special Salute
A German Shepherd named Max who served in both Iraq and Afghanistan is refusing to accept the Medal of Honor until the United States elects a new president. “I would rather be shaved bald and forced to take a bath … Continue reading Heroic Dog Refuses to Accept Medal of Honor Until Country Elects a Real Leader
Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters today that for the past two months he had been “dressing up as a hot lady named Dr. Antonia Fauciano” for briefings with Donald Trump in order to deter the president from firing him. Fauci … Continue reading Dr. Fauci: ‘I Dressed Up As a Hot Lady to Deter Trump From Firing Me’
(Hibbing, Minnesota) The very last brain cell of diehard Trump supporter Doug Wilkins is dead sure that liberals are going to stop wearing masks now that the president has called putting on the protective gear a ‘patriotic’ act. “The president … Continue reading Man’s Last Brain Cell Certain Liberals Won’t Wear Masks Now That Trump Calls Them ‘Patriotic’
The US government sold the rights to the National Anthem to billionaire entrepreneur Mark Cuban for $275 million who immediately turned around and said that he will not be allowing anyone to play the song before sporting events. The move … Continue reading Mark Cuban Buys Rights to National Anthem, Says He Won’t Let Anyone Play It
Democrats are taking heat after forcing a clandestine weekend vote today in which they managed to approve a minor name change to US Army base Fort Bragg; one of several US bases named after Confederate generals. “In honor of president … Continue reading Name Change: Fort Bragg Drops Last ‘G’ in Honor of Donald Trump
Senator Marco Rubio really stepped in it today when he posted a terribly-executed tribute to deceased civil rights leader John Lewis and followed it up with a strange, racist tirade on Twitter. In a since-deleted tweet, Rubio shared a photo … Continue reading Marco Rubio: ‘Wait, Don’t All Black People Look Alike?’
The Director of the CDC, Robert Redfield, took questions on schools reopening this morning alongside Donald Trump during an odd White House Press conference at which he wore a leather and rubber ball gag. “He couldn’t find his mask, but … Continue reading CDC Director Says ‘Mmmmph Mmrrghgg Mmm!’ on Schools Reopening
