Trump Declares K-Pop Fans a ‘Chinese Terrorist Organization’


Donald Trump declared all K-pop fans to be members of a “radical leftist Chinese terrorist organization” today after learning the demographic tried to reserve a large portion of his Tulsa rally tickets; likely contributing to the mostly empty arena.

“I’ve seen what they look like. They’re foreign agents folks! Chinese foreign agents and we won’t stand for it!” Trump told reporters. “And if they can do this, then who’s to say they can’t rig the mail-in ballots for the election?”

Minutes later, John Bolton spoke out on the decision by trump, stating that he was surprised that the president felt threatened by the K-pop community.

“In many ways Trump and K-pop are very similar,” John Bolton stated. “They are repetitive, loud, and none of their English speaking fans really understand what they are saying.”

As of press time Trump had started spreading a rumor that the coronavirus initially came to the US via a ship full of tainted BTS merchandise.

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States Are Repainting Statues of White Jesus With Blackface, Citing Racial Inaccuracies

Several states across the nation have started repainting statues of Jesus in public spaces in which the religious figure is depicted with white skin. The move comes after a large group of leftist historians pointed out that Jesus couldn’t have possibly been white and that depicting him as such is insensitive to the accomplishments of other races. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m calling for all Jesus statues in our state to be given blackface,” California Governor Gavin Newsom stated. “Really any brownish tone is fine, so long our Lord and Savior doesn’t look white.” Meanwhile, many people who believed in white Jesus have begun doubting the Savior’s storyline, causing a crisis of faith among Americans. With some people like political pundit Laura Ingraham even suggesting that Jesus might have deserved to be crucified. “When you really examine the Bible it becomes clear that Jesus was just some ethnic guy wearing baggy robes, wandering the holy land with a gang of jobless men and stirring up trouble,” Ingraham stated. “We’ve got to start asking ourselves the tough questions – like did Jesus really cooperate with the authorities? And unfortunately I just have to call it like I see it folks. This Jesus guy was a thug.”
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