UCLA Football Fires Chip Kelly, Hires Dr. Anthony Fauci as Head Coach


UCLA has fired head coach Chip Kelly and replaced him with the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci. The schools says the decision comes after realizing that they can’t win if the whole football organization comes down with COVID-19 for weeks on end.

“It’s estimated that almost every team will be stricken with the coronavirus at some point in the season,” UCLA athletic officials stated. “Having the leading immunologist in the nation coaching our team on how to avoid contracting COVID will be instrumental in the Bruins making it to the national championship.”

Soon after UCLA’s announcement, and just minutes after being hired, Dr. Fauci went ahead and cancelled the UCLA football season entirely, stating that “even if the coronavirus disappeared today, there is still no safe way to play the sport of football as it currently exists.”

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CDC to Quarantine Tulsa Rally-Goers Immediately After Trump Finishes His Speech

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today that they will be detaining and quarantining all Trump rally-goers in Tulsa, Oklahoma immediately after the president finishes his speech. People in the building will have no choice in the matter as the coronavirus waivers they agreed to included a quarantine clause from the CDC. “Those who weren’t smart enough to read the waiver will now be spending the next three weeks in quarantine,” CDC Director Robert Redfield confirmed. “So that’s everyone who has chosen to go inside the building.” Redfield says that they’ve made space at seven ICE detainment camps near the Texas-Mexico border and that “there’s plenty of hard, concrete floor for these illiterate people to spread out on.” “It’s already been made perfectly clear by Republican leadership that these ICE camps are safe and humane places,” Redfield stated. “So unless there’s any new, unforseen objection, that’s where these rally-goers will be staying.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
CDC to quarantine trump rallygoers after Tulsa Speech
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