A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and wrote down the number 100,000 before holding it up to the president and explaining that this was how many Americans have died. Trump showed no reaction. Staff then rewrote the number by adding a money symbol before it and tacking on a comma with three zeroes after it. “We then showed Mr. Trump the piece of paper, which read $100,000,000, and his eyes got wide,” an aide stated. “We lied and said this is the amount of money Mr. Trump’s businesses would lose if he doesn’t take stronger action.” As of press time Trump was wearing a mask and giving an unrehearsed speech informing citizens of the great and tragic loss of money that he could endure if Americans don’t practice social distancing and wear masks. “Listen up folks! If we don’t take this virus seriously, I will lose a lot of money!” Trump shouted. “You should see the number. It’s beyond comprehension. Many people don’t understand it because there’s a lot of zeroes and a lot of commas in that number, but together we can save my wealth, which has been under attack from the Chinese Virus ever since it escaped from Wuhan.” Advertisements
Confident that he’d like to murder at least one person, 17-year-old Thomas Wilkins of Genesee, Wisconsin says he’s torn between becoming a serial killer or a police officer. “Next year I’ll be 18, which means I’ll be old enough to become a police officer in this state,” Wilkins stated. “So I’m weighing out the pros and cons of each option.” Wilkins says that although he’d like the fame and notoriety that comes with being a serial killer, he’s also intrigued by the idea of killing a minority without consequence. “Sure, I’d love to have a horror movie or two made about me. Cops don’t really become legends like serial killers,” Wilkins stated. “On the other hand, I do like the feeling of absolute power that comes with authority.” As of press time, Wilkins said he was leaning toward becoming a police officer because he’d have a whole department covering up his crimes instead of trying to hunt him down.
Hurting for money after several weeks without holding a single mass, Father Peter Gibbons of St. Margaret’s Parish in Austin, TX is now deeply regretting his decision to buy a 45-gallon trash can for collecting donations. “The optics are off. That’s for sure. I feel like I could have picked a better container,” Gibbons frowned. “I just don’t think the parishioners are believing my story that God told me to buy a heavy duty trash can for this purpose.” As of press time, Gibbons said he would be getting rid of the giant container and be resorting back to good old fashioned Catholic guilt next weekend.
Pope Francis took time out of his weekly address today to tell priests and followers across the globe to “cancel mass, stay home, and read a goddamned Bible already!” “I’m most deeply saddened and ashamed for the priests who have clearly not read the holy book!” Francis yelled. “Matthew 18:20 reads ‘For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.’ So there’s no need to hold mass like fucking fools and spread this deadly virus!” Francis then paused and took a deep breath while unsuccessfully attempting to collect himself. “So my challenge to all of the faithful is this: Do me a favor! Read the Bible for once in your goddamned lives! Cover-to-cover, just once. Do it for me!” Francis shouted. “For I say unto thee: as truly fucked up as the Bible is, there do exist some good little truth nuggets, although they are sparsely scattered throughout. Amen.” Photo Credit Mario Duran-Ortiz
After a morning interview in which former Vice President Joe Biden told black Americans “you ain’t black” if you are voting for Trump, president Trump fired back with two tweets, drawing a sharp contrast between the two candidates.
Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer announced this afternoon that president Donald Trump has been banned from her state. The announcement comes hours after Trump broke state law by not wearing a face mask during his visit to a Michigan Ford plant despite being warned to wear one. “Michigan deserves better than Donald J. Trump,” Whitmer stated. “Whenever the president comes around, he and his people bring crime. They bring lies. They spread disease. And some, I assume, are good people.” “I’m also stripping Mr. Trump of his ‘Michigan Man of The Year’ title,” Whitmer stated. “Which was never awarded to him like he claims because it doesn’t exist – but I’m doing it anyway because we all know that somehow it matters to him.” Meanwhile, governors from 22 other states including Wisconsin, Colorado and California are now considering implementing their own bans and fake award revocations, with Nevada Governor Stephen Sisolak saying he might actually honor Trump by making the president’s hairpiece Nevada’s official state roadkill.
Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only goes so far. “Although conducting Zoom meetings from home was working fine, it’s super nice to see the familiar faces of my coworkers from 6-feet away, covered by a mask. The camaraderie is definitely worth raising your chances of getting the virus, and it’s a good reminder of who’s really in charge,” IT manager Martin Reddy stated. Photo by Anna Shvets