Next COVID-19 Stimulus Package to Include $320 Million for a Federal Toilet Paper Buyback Program


With toilet paper shortages across the country, the federal government has approved $320 million to be used to buy back toilet paper from countless Americans who purchased way too much during the onset of the pandemic. The move to set aside money to buy back toilet tissue will help the government to secure an estimated 380 million rolls for redistribution.

Notably, the $320 million was initially requested through a bill entitled “Stimulus Helping Individuals That Hoarded Essentials Associated with Defecation” or the S.H.I.T.H.E.A.D. Act before being added to the upcoming stimulus package as an earmark.

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Scientists Preemptively Warn Against Sticking Your Head in the Oven

In the wake of Donald Trump suggesting that we inject people with disinfectants to kill the coronavirus during his daily address, scientists have gone ahead and preemptively issued a warning against turning your oven on and then sticking your head right in. “What we’re doing here is trying to cover all of our bases before Mr. Trump proposes another potentially fatal solution for COVID-19. The heat from the oven will not kill the virus before it has already killed you.” head of the US Center for Science Paul Higgins stated. “We’re also going to go ahead and warn against shining UV lights directly into your eyes or inserting flashlights into your rectum. We’ll be issuing more warnings as we come up with them.” The Center for Science also said it would be taking suggestions for new warnings from the general public. “No idea is too stupid at this point,” Higgins stated. “Just send your warnings our way and we’ll announce them to the nation.”
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