Pro Lifers Chant ‘My Body, My Choice!’ While Spreading COVID-19, Killing Others

Swarms of conservatives surrounded Pennsylvania’s capitol building in Harrisburg today while chanting the popular pro-choice phrase “My body, my choice!” all while ignoring social distancing rules and undoubtedly spreading the coronavirus to one another. With rallies like this taking place all over the country, leading experts believe that there will be an influx of COVID-19 cases and deaths.

“It’s one thing to be unhappy with the current situation that has been brought on by the virus, but it’s another thing to not carry these stay-at-home and social distancing orders to term,” head immunologist Anthony Fauci stated. “None of us wanted this virus. We may not like it, we may not have been prepared for it, and we may not be able to afford to pay our bills because of it, but we cannot simply abort our plans and abandon our approach before we’ve seen this baby through. I’d give it about 9 months.”

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Stir Crazy Archeologist Digs Up All of the Flooring in His House

(Grand Forks, North Dakota) Local man and archeologist Daniel Radsky finally cracked today and began digging up his flooring after giving in to a stir crazy madness caused by sheer boredom. “In retrospect, I should have focused on the basement,” Radsky admitted. Radsky says that the new problem he faces is a safety issue due to all of the holes in his three-story, historic house. “I’m not sure what I was looking for, but I sure as fuck haven’t found it,” Radsky stated while beginning to break ground in his backyard. “But if the kids keep it up with their annoying attitudes and complaints of boredom, these holes are going to become graves.” Photo credit: Roman Robroek
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