Jesus Refuses to Leave His Tomb For First Easter in 2,000 Years

Hoping to set a good example for people across the planet, Jesus Christ announced today that He would not be leaving His cavernous tomb this year in order to celebrate Easter; citing the coronavirus as His main cause for concern.

“I may have risen, but I’m staying home because most of my deeds involve multiplying and sharing things or touching people to cure physical ailments – all of which would only work to further spread this virus,” Jesus told reporters while waving his pierced appendages in the air. “I’m a handsy guy.”

The Savior went on to explain His new plans for this Easter.

“Today, I’m strongly considering putting an end to this coronavirus thing, because I can and could have this whole time,” Jesus told reporters while standing in the entrance of his tomb. “My Dad might have created the virus, but I’m omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent too.”

As of press time, many prominent people had already begun to distance themselves from the religious figure, pointing to the fact that Jesus could have prevented the virus from existing in the first place.

“It’s one thing to be an aloof deity, but it’s another to be complicit,” a retiring Pope Francis told a shocked audience via his Easter livestream. “I can’t in good conscience continue to worship such a heartless God.”

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