Italian Cities Are Playing Nickelback in the Streets to Deter Citizens From Going Outside

YouReadyGrandma

Countless cities across Italy have taken to playing Nickelback in the streets to discourage their citizens from going outdoors. So far authorities say the drastic move has brought positive results.

“We’re seeing folks staying home,” Italian President Sergio Mattarella stated. “It turns out nobody is willing to put up with subpar, generic soccer mom rock coupled with Chad Kroeger’s inability to adjust his tone or inflection. Nobody is going outside unless they absolutely have to.”

As of press time several other countries had started trying the approach, while the nations of Sweden, Switzerland, and Denmark had already deemed the method to be a form of cruel and unusual punishment.

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Karens Lose Control As Available Managers Become Scarce and Hair Salons Close

Unable to maintain their signature haircut or find a manager to demand to speak to, Karens everywhere have completely lost control of the only aspects of their lives they ever had a handle on. “It’s bad out there folks. Karens are getting harder to identify as their hair grows out” Karen expert Ashley Kitchings stated. “So, if you do have to go outside, we recommend that you bring binoculars and keep at least shouting distance away from all potential Karens.” Citizens should also be aware of what they are wearing when they leave the house. “Absolutely under no circumstance should anyone ever wear khakis and a red shirt or you will be mistaken for a Target employee,” Kitchings stated. “In general khakis are a bad idea.” In addition to the shortage of managers and closed hair salons, Karens are now being bombarded with news about vaccines. “Karens are almost exclusively anti-vaxxers, so the coronavirus situation and talks of vaccines is driving them wild,” Kitchings stated. “They’re now deeply torn on the issue because on one hand they want to be right, but on the other they don’t want to die.” As of press time a “complaint of Karens” – the term for a large group of Karens – was headed toward a Kansas City Walmart to purchase and then angrily return items. Experts believe that it’s only a matter of time before Karens across the US find out that Walmarts, and several other stores, are still open.
Karens
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