Our Divine Creator who lives in the heavens finally lost His holy shit with the ungodly Hobby Lobby today after the company refused to close its doors during the pandemic; putting underpaid workers and customers at risk. As punishment, God gave owners David and Barbara Green the coronavirus. “First they did the birth control thing, then they purchased stolen ancient artifacts, and on top of that they loathe the gays,” God stated. “So Barbara might call herself the ‘prayer warrior’ of her family, and claim that she talks to me, but I just gave that heartless liar the coronavirus.”
(Moreno Valley, CA) Landlord Ed Stallword, who manages several Southern California duplexes, is being deemed a “creepy hero” after allowing his tenants to pay their monthly rent with a lock of hair. Residents say they find Stallword to be both kind-hearted and off-putting. “He refused to tell me what he was doing with my hair,” resident Ashley Reynolds stated. “But honestly I’m only slightly disgusted. Ed’s a real angel. An unpleasant, frightening angel.” Meanwhile, other landlords have followed Stallword’s lead, allowing for rent payments in the form of toenail clippings, dirty underwear, and pictures of feet.
Senator Lindsey Olin Graham, a Southern belle from the great state of South Carolina, suggested to the public today that they all head to the stables, hop on their favorite horse, and play a rousing game of polo. “A horseback mounted team sport is a simply marvelous way to pass the time during this unprecedented virus outbreak,” Graham stated while dabbing his brow with a handkerchief. “Polo is a wonderful game that allows all Americans to stay 6-feet apart while spending quality time with their horses and staying active.” Graham finished his speech by assuring Americans that their private polo clubs will remain open as long as he’s in Congress. The Senator then climbed aboard his stagecoach and rode away to his plantation.
Slovenian gold digger Melania Trump apologized to the world today for her mentally-inferior husband and his repeated dog whistle of calling COVID-19 “The Chinese Virus”. “I do pretend to love Donald deeply. But I cannot, with what remaining conscience I have left, allow him to racistly refer to COVID-19 as ‘The Chinese Virus’,” the Slovenian gold digger stated. “We all see it Donald. I’m just calling it what it is.”