Weekend Travel Plans Include the Possibility of Visiting the Living Room, Master Bedroom, and Back Porch

(Altoona, PA) Local man Dan Stephenson – whose entire family is under quarantine – dug up his old house floor plan in order to show his increasingly bored family all of the possibilities for where they can go this weekend.

“We’ve got the living room where we can all gather to play board games,” Stephenson stated. “Then, just 100 feet down the hall, there’s the master bedroom where mommy and daddy will spend 12 loud minutes rekindling their love life. There’s really something for everyone.”

As of press time, the recently unemployed Stephenson was visiting his back porch, on his 7th beer, and wondering if he’ll ever be able to afford to take his family on a real vacation.

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Trump Orders IKEA Beds and Halloween Masks For Hospitals

President Trump has finally used the Defense Production Act by ordering IKEA to manufacture and ship half a million unassembled beds to hospitals in New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago. IKEA, which is headquartered in the Netherlands, does not fall under US law and therefore cannot be told what to do by Trump. “The daybeds ordered by the president take, on average, 3.5 hours to assemble,” IKEA CEO Jesper Brodin stated. “Hospitals are indeed thanking IKEA for not going ahead with the president’s demands as they do not have the time, staffing, or space to be assembling the furniture.” Just minutes after the IKEA announcement president Trump ordered Spirit Halloween and Party City to provide one million masks to medical facilities across the country. “I don’t care what they look like,” Trump told reporters in an address. “They can be Chucky, Jason, or even Freddie – it doesn’t matter – just get them the masks.” As of press time the president was being told that not only are Halloween masks ineffective against the virus, but that they are also manufactured in China.
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