Council of Susans & Karens Demands Meeting With Heads of Norton, McAfee


Livid with the inadequate response to the coronavirus, the Council of Susans & Karens – a highly organized group of unreasonably entitled and incomparably misguided people – began demanding to speak with the CEOs of the Norton and McAfee antivirus software companies this morning.

Within minutes of the request, both companies had agreed to a meeting with the group; on the condition that every Karen and Susan return their hoarded toilet paper, hand sanitizer, disinfecting wipes, and non-perishables that their husband Chad bought “so that everyone can get through the pandemic.”

As of press time, an angry mob of non-compliant Susans and Karens had already begun boarding flights to Norton and McAfee headquarters – leaving a trail of dead managers in their wake.

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CDC: 'Get Used to Walking Around in One of These Fucking Things'

The Center for Disease Control announced today that they will be coordinating efforts to get every American citizen a huge, inflatable bubble suit. The head of the CDC, Robert Redfield, spoke briefly on the decision. “Sure doors will have to be widened, cars will have to be completely redesigned, there may only be 15 or so people fitting on each airplane, and sex will be completely out of the question,” Redfield stated. “But this is what it has come to. We’re all going to be wearing giant, inflatable condoms. So get used to walking around in one of these fucking things.”
CDC Get Used to Walking Around in One of These
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