Cell Phone Covered in Coronavirus Waiting for Owner to Finish Washing Their Hands

(Portland, OR) Local woman Maria Sommers’ cell phone is currently covered in Coronavirus and patiently waiting in her pocket for her to pull it out for the 117th time today. Sommers, like most people, has no common sense or clue how futile her attempts are to keep the virus from touching her body.

As of press time, Sommers was about to put her phone up to her ear, cheek, and mouth to make a phone call.

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Does Apartment 2B Have Coronavirus, Or Are They Just Huge Stoners?

People across the United States are being asked to inform their apartment, townhouse, or condo neighbors if they plan on smoking marijuana. The odd request is so that panic doesn’t spread from hearing repeated, guttural coughing through the walls after someone hits their bong or does a dab. American citizens are also being told by Senator Bernie Sanders to show compassion by offering marijuana to their neighbors. “I’m asking that everyone share their cannabis in this difficult and trying time,” Sanders stated. “I think we can all agree that now is a great time to torch up that sweet sticky icky, and puff puff pass it around. Now, if anyone has some Blue Dream or some White 99, please meet me backstage immediately after this.”
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