(Portland, OR) Local woman Maria Sommers’ cell phone is currently covered in Coronavirus and patiently waiting in her pocket for her to pull it out for the 117th time today. Sommers, like most people, has no common sense or clue how futile her attempts are to keep the virus from touching her body. As of press time, Sommers was about to put her phone up to her ear, cheek, and mouth to make a phone call.
The coronavirus-free states of Alaska, Montana, Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Maine have begun construction of their own border walls in order to keep people with the virus out. Alabama Governor Kay Ivey was very direct today when asked about neighboring states’ residents wanting to cross into her territory. “When Georgia or Tennessee send their people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that are bringing disease to us,” Ivey stated. “They’re raiding the hand sanitizers. They’re stealing masks from hospitals. They’re taking our disinfecting wipes and buying up all of the goddamned toilet paper. And some, I assume, are good people.” Meanwhile the states of Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, and North Dakota admit they have no need to construct a border wall as they’ve accepted that fact that nobody – no matter how desperate – wants to go there.