Dreaded Family Road Trip Becoming a Real Possibility as Coronavirus Spreads

(Waukesha, WI) Because of the coronavirus, local man Jeremy Rhiner says he’s preparing for the very real possibility that he will have to drive his three kids 1,274 miles to Disney World.

“It’s probably only a matter of time before they halt all air travel,” Rhiner stated. “And there’s no way to cancel a trip to Disney World without your kids hating you forever.”

As of press time, Rhiner was licking doorknobs in hopes that he’ll infect his entire family, allowing him to cancel the 2-day roadtrip and vacation.

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Quarantine of All Olive Gardens Begins as Brand Overdoes Authenticity

The largest chain of Italian-themed restaurants in the United States – Olive Garden – has placed all 840 of its locations under mandatory quarantine after Italian Premier Giuseppe Conte put a lockdown on travel across the entirety of Italy. The decision by the premier is to stop the spread of coronavirus, while the inexplicable move by Olive Garden has left over 86,000 guests and employees needlessly locked inside of restaurants across the US. Olive Garden’s parent company Darden Restaurants Inc. says the decision is in line with the restaurant chain’s Italian authenticity, which the company prides itself on. “Darden and Olive Garden take branding very seriously,” CEO Eugene Lee stated. “As such, our guests are being asked to remain at their assigned booths or tables and enjoy time with their friends, family, unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.” As of press time Darden plans to keep all guests and employees under lockdown until Guiseppe Conte ends the mandatory quarantine. This decision comes despite the fact that hundreds of guests are already beginning to show early warning signs of diabetes and heart disease. Photo credit Mike Mozart
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