After binge watching all seven episodes of Tiger King yesterday on Netflix, president Trump has quickly become the biggest supporter of the imprisoned celebrity Joe Exotic, speaking out about the jailed man’s innocence. “Minus most of the gay stuff, we’re basically the same person,” Trump told journalists. “We were both married multiple times to beautiful, young people. We are savvy business men, and we are both handsome men who enjoy the finer things in life.” Those close to the president say Trump is strongly considering pardoning Joe Exotic, having even suggested that Joe would make a great replacement for Mike Pence in the 2020 election. “Look, Joe’s a business man and entertainer-turned-politician just like me,” Trump stated. “And we both have great hair. Can’t forget that. So maybe we’ll replace Mike with Joe. Maybe. Just to spice things up a bit. We’ll see. We’ll see.” Notably, after finishing the Netflix series Trump was actually a huge fan of Carole Baskin before he was told by staffers that she was, in fact, a woman and not another long-haired man. “At first I thought the story was: rich-man-beats-gay-guy. But that wasn’t the case,” Trump stated. “The bottom line, if we can agree on anything, it’s that Carole Baskin is a total bitch who murdered her husband.” As of press time Melania Trump was being forced to return her newly purchased liger and was ordered to stop rubbing fish oil on the president.
During a press conference at the Norfolk Navy Base today president Trump was asked by a reporter if he had a personal ventilator set aside for himself. The president surprised everyone with his answer. “You don’t have to be hit by a ventilator, literally, a ventilator, to know that answer Peter,” a visibly angry Trump said to the reporter. “Because the cost of losing me is too high. Without me the country is in trouble. Big, big trouble! So yeah, Peter, I’ve got a ventilator. I’ve got one for everyone but Tiffany and Eric. It wouldn’t work on them because they’re both mouth breathers. And I hope you never get one for asking ridiculous questions like this. Get lost! Get out of here with that crap Peter!”
Members of Congress revealed today that they had forgotten to sign their insufficient joke of a stimulus bill with a sincere ‘Fuck You’ in order to make the document as transparent as possible. “With a few simple votes we will add the closing words of ‘Fuck You’ to the end of the stimulus bill, ensuring that all American citizens know exactly where we stand and what our intentions are,” Senator Mitch McConnell stated. “So to be clear, we’re sending billions to corporations and a one-time payment of $1,200 to some Americans. Or in other words, because it can’t be emphasized enough: our constituents and fellow countrymen can go right ahead and fuck off. Money and the economy are our God.”
With countless stay-at-home orders and company shutdowns across the country, many people are being hit hard in the wallet, but president Trump says it’s especially hard for men. “Men are losing the most,” president Trump told journalists in an address on the White House lawn. “For every $1 lost by a man, only 79¢ is lost by their female counterpart. It’s unfair. Totally unfair.” President Trump says he’s asking Congress to pass a bill that helps the highest paid group with the most to lose: straight white men. “So prepare for some bailouts of large corporations who will be required to give their CEOs bonuses and raises to re-tip the scales and make everything as it should be again,” Trump stated. “As always, I will do anything for my people folks. I will protect the true Americans.”
Unable to maintain their signature haircut or find a manager to demand to speak to, Karens everywhere have completely lost control of the only aspects of their lives they ever had a handle on. “It’s bad out there folks. Karens are getting harder to identify as their hair grows out” Karen expert Ashley Kitchings stated. “So, if you do have to go outside, we recommend that you bring binoculars and keep at least shouting distance away from all potential Karens.” Citizens should also be aware of what they are wearing when they leave the house. “Absolutely under no circumstance should anyone ever wear khakis and a red shirt or you will be mistaken for a Target employee,” Kitchings stated. “In general khakis are a bad idea.” In addition to the shortage of managers and closed hair salons, Karens are now being bombarded with news about vaccines. “Karens are almost exclusively anti-vaxxers, so the coronavirus situation and talks of vaccines is driving them wild,” Kitchings stated. “They’re now deeply torn on the issue because on one hand they want to be right, but on the other they don’t want to die.” As of press time a “complaint of Karens” – the term for a large group of Karens – was headed toward a Kansas City Walmart to purchase and then angrily return items. Experts believe that it’s only a matter of time before Karens across the US find out that Walmarts, and several other stores, are still open.
Countless cities across Italy have taken to playing Nickelback in the streets to discourage their citizens from going outdoors. So far authorities say the drastic move has brought positive results. “We’re seeing folks staying home,” Italian President Sergio Mattarella stated. “It turns out nobody is willing to put up with subpar, generic soccer mom rock coupled with Chad Kroeger’s inability to adjust his tone or inflection. Nobody is going outside unless they absolutely have to.” As of press time several other countries had started trying the approach, while the nations of Sweden, Switzerland, and Denmark had already deemed the method to be a form of cruel and unusual punishment.
In their latest move to combat the coronavirus, Germany has taken the most extreme measures to date by limiting gatherings to groups of two. “We are only pairing men and women with blond hair and blue eyes. No other congregating will be allowed,” President Frank-Walter Steinmeier confirmed. The move has both raised suspicions and sparked outrage in the global community. What do you think?