Herpetologists: Mitch McConnell’s push for late night impeachment trial suggests he’s a desert tortoise

With Mitch McConnell’s push for a late night impeachment trial, herpetologists everywhere have begun speculating that the Senator is likely part desert tortoise.

“The desert tortoise is known for sleeping underground throughout most of the day and then crawling out during the cooler afternoon and nighttime hours,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated.

Tortoise experts everywhere agree that this seems to be the case with McConnell.

“In common public opinion, tortoises are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”

Fellow Republicans say they plan to slowly roll McConnell on his back tomorrow to determine his sex.

Photo credit Gage Skidmore