In a rare Sunday vote, Congress managed to pass a stimulus bill that will send one hundred $6 checks to every American. “Although we couldn’t agree on a higher amount, we did come to the conclusion that one hundred checks would make a much bigger impact, visually speaking,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “So I hope your mailbox is big enough, because they’re all coming at once!” Meanwhile president Trump called the bill “a huge step in the right direction.” “If my math checks out, that’s $6,000 for every American citizen,” Trump smiled. “I asked for $2,000, I get $6,000!” As of press time, the US Postal Service announced that the undertaking was literally impossible. Photo credit Bjoertvedt .
After months of back and forth over what to provide in a stimulus package for the American people, Congress has finally managed to pass a bill that will offer every family a pizza party and a free copy of Shrek 3. According to Senator Mitch McConnell, another option that Congress was considering included a coupon for free chips and guacamole at Chipotle. “Besides the free, authentic Mexican food we also toyed with the idea of simply sending a dildo with a letter telling Americans to go fuck themselves,” McConnell laughed. “And in the end that’s essentially what we’ve done here.” When pressed for details on the pizza party, McConnell admitted that they will just be sending a 15-count bag of Totino’s Pepperoni Pizza Rolls™ to citizens. Notably, McConnell says they will be sending out the pizza rolls despite lacking the funds to keep the food frozen. “If anything this will help starving families heat these delicious and nutritious morsels even faster,” McConnell smiled. “What a treat!”
Citing a “total lack of interest” along with a “universal disgust” in her videos, Canadian-owned pornography website Pornhub announced today that they had removed every single upload featuring your mom. Pornhub confirmed that their site had “become infested with horrifying videos of her” that were so bad they caused payment processors Visa and Mastercard to cut ties with the pornography site due to total repulsion.
According to his wife and several sources close to him, Ted Cruz went missing today right after news broke that the Zodiac Killer’s cypher was cracked. Authorities say that they found Cruz’s shitty beard hair shaved off in a bathroom trash can of his Texas home. “The general public is being warned to look out for a creepy, baby-faced Ted Cruz who is now our prime suspect in the Zodiac murders,” an official statement read. “Everyone in the country always knew something was off about him – now we know why. So we’re offering up $100,000 to anyone who assists in the capture of Mr. Cruz. We’ll make it $250,000 if he’s knocked unconscious so we don’t have to talk to him.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
White House chief of staff Mark Meadows has ordered FDA chief Dr. Stephen Hahn to either authorize the Pfizer vaccine by the end of today or submit his letter of resignation. The ultimatum comes despite countless, repeated remarks from the administration that downplayed the severity of the coronavirus. Experts say the rush to approval has only worked to lower confidence levels in the vaccine. “It’s imperative that Dr. Hahn approve the vaccine today! As we’ve said before, the virus is totally under control and no worse than the flu, but we need the vaccine right fucking now! We also want to remind the general public that the virus will go away on its own. So I mean, it’s whatever, but Hahn better do what we say or we’re firing that worthless piece of shit,” Meadows shouted. “Even though COVID will disappear like a miracle, and even though it’s a hoax – a viral lie that swept the globe – Dr. Hahn will be shitcanned if people aren’t getting injected by tomorrow,” Meadows stated. “If we don’t get what we want we may just pause testing altogether which would actually drop case levels drastically; possibly even better than a vaccine. So to be clear, if Dr. Hahn doesn’t approve the Pfizer vaccine today, which we don’t even need, then he will be out on his ass.”
The US Supreme Court issued a rare message to the general public today letting the country know that they’d “gladly take on an election case if there were any real [expletive] evidence of voter fraud.” “Although we have taken on countless controversial issues throughout this nation’s history – such as abortion and gay marriage – these election lawsuits have no standing. A trial can take place when there’s a shred of goddamned evidence, but it’s become clear that there isn’t any. Donald Trump should be ashamed of himself.” The nine justices then continued to shock the country by congratulating Joe Biden on his victory. “President Elect Joe Biden should be proud of the race he ran and his clear victory,” the letter read. “He’s been nothing but composed and compassionate in the face of utter buffoonery coming on a daily basis from Mr. Trump. As far as decorum goes, Donald Trump will not be missed. What an asshole.”
Ellen DeGeneres told fans today that she has tested positive for COVID-19. Yet, in an effort to continue filming her famous “12 Days of Giveaways,” Ellen admits that she still went into work this morning without telling anyone her diagnosis and proceeded to cough all over her employees. “If we all have it, then we can all continue working,” Ellen smiled before coughing directly on her assistant’s face. “And this way everyone on my team gets to keep receiving paychecks. It’s a win, win!” The TV host and comedian then grabbed a traffic cone prop and began shouting through it at everyone in the studio. “I feel just like Oprah!” DeGeneres laughed before coughing one-by-one into individual employee’s faces through the cone while shouting “You get COVID! (cough) You get COVID! (cough) Everyone gets COVID! (cough, cough cough).” As of press time, at least 17 lawsuits have been filed against DeGeneres. Photo credit Toglenn